I already know what you are thinking…”where has she been?” My inbox has been full of that question lately and I’m so so sorry. I should have kept my blog updated better over the last few amazing months. But the truth is…I’ve been busy and it has been great.
I’ve been working, building my empire one stone at a time. I’ve been traveling, enjoying life and making memories that will warm my heart forever. I moved into the most incredible home and settled into this whole single mother situation. I’ve been bonding with my sons and finding the ultimate joy in their smiles. I’ve been dating (yikes!) and learning more and more about who I AM through the process. I’ve been making some incredible new friends. Studying and opening my mind to thoughts and ideas that inspire me and show me a whole new world of possibility. I found my voice within my community and have decided to use it for the greater good of my people. I’ve learned how to meditate and connect with the universe. I’ve embraced nature in a new and serene way. I finally booked that bucket list trip. I ended a few relationships and mended a few others.
Everyday has not been good. I’ll admit that. But every single day has been purposeful. And that is a blessing that I cannot describe. Cause after spending so much time consumed by negativity, it is such an amazing freedom to just be. To exist without apology and live effortlessly is perhaps the most exhilarating feeling I’ve ever felt.
When I was going through the struggles of a failed marriage there were days when I found it incredibly difficult to believe that I could ever be happy again. I had transitioned from living and experiencing life to merely existing in a cycle of sadness and disappointment. My happiness was so contingent on the presence of another person that it was impossible for me to conceive of the notion that I could find joy within myself.
But I did. Somewhere between the isolation and the heartbreak, I was able to find peace and serenity. Carrying the emotional weight of failure eventually become too great and I decided to simply put it down. I literally decided to forgive myself and release myself of the pressure that guilt and regret was holding on me. I let it go.
And I know it sounds super super easy as you are reading this. But it wasn’t. The truth is that I could never articulate to you just exactly how hard that time of my life was. It was excruciating. Even though I smiled through it, I still cried in my quiet moments. Even as I endeavored to inspire others to keep going, there were days when I struggled to keep going myself. The truth behind the smile is that I was angry, resentful, frustrated and afraid. And I lived in that cycle of emotion for quite some time.
I would sit at my computer and write those incredibly inspiring blogs and then literally have a meltdown while trying to get ready for work the next morning. Other times I would sit in my office and mentor women in abusive relationships and then go home and cry because my own loneliness was unbearable.
There were days when I wasn’t sure how I was going to buy groceries or had to choose between paying my nursey fees and rent. I lived in a small apartment that was full of mold and water damage because I was afraid that I couldn’t afford to give myself and my sons something better. So instead of moving, I would clorox our walls once a week and put pots in the closet to catch the leaks.
But somewhere amidst of all of this misery I realized that I wanted more for my children and the only way to give them more was to get up and BE MORE. I did not want to be a statistic. I couldn’t digest the idea of being labeled as another bitter black bitch – a sterotype that I despise by the way. So I decided that I wouldn’t continue to be a victim of my situation. I wouldn’t continue to perpetuate all the things that I hated about my life. I chose to make new, better decisions. One day at a time.
It was never easy. It still isn’t. But almost like magic all those days added up and here I am a year later – happy, joyous, free. Although I may not feel good every moment of everyday, I’ve long accepted that my feelings are not always my reality. Reality is that I am a strong black woman and I come from a lineage of strong black women. I am an amazing mother equipped with every quality I need to raise my sons. I am talented and powerful beyond explanation. I have a bright future ahead of me. The universe has been waiting to open me up and nurture me into my true essence. And each heart wrenching moment of my past simply serves as vital experiences necessary for my purpose.
I choose this reality. I chose it yesterday. I chose it this morning. I will choose it tomorrow. Because there is no point in making any other choice. Even when the events of my day don’t always match up to my desires and expectations, I choose to BE GREAT in the midst of it.
A good friend of mine told me the other day that I often dismiss people’s feelings in my effort to be positive. As much as it side swiped me that he interprets my positivity in this way, it encouraged me to take pause and really think about the way I have been dealing with life and feelings. And what I found is that while I allow myself to feel whatever it is that I need to feel, I choose not to dwell in it. Perhaps that’s hard for some people to understand much less emulate, but it is what has worked for me. So if I am at some point overcome by a negative feeling or situation, I allow myself to experience it but then I choose something else because I no longer want to participate in creating negative cycles. I refuse to choose negativity anymore.
So instead…I choose life. I choose happiness. I choose freedom. I choose love. I choose forgiveness. I choose prosperity. I choose compassion. I choose integrity. I choose success. I choose peace. I choose beauty. I choose hope. I choose greatness.
I may never do it perfectly, but I will keep trying every single day. I know what the other choices bring, and I don’t want it. I want more, I want better, I want GREATNESS! And maybe this insatiable desire makes me one of those crazy, overly positive people that just get on everyone’s nerves - but it works for me! I choose what I want for my life and I get it!
So, if you’ve really been wondering what ya girl has been up to…I’ll admit a sistah has been busy. Busy loving on myself. Busy learning about myself. Busy celebrating myself. Busy being a Mommy. Busy being a friend. Busy being a Queen. Busy being a goddamn Goddess. And as my cyber mentor Zakia, (CEO of FckBeingFat) would say…I’ve been busy BEING GREAT AND SHIT!!!
But I’m back! And I want ya’ll to join me in being GREAT too! So email me at email@example.com. Let’s chat. Let’s find your greatness too. Let’s do this.